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Aug. 18th, 2009

(no subject)

i dont want to talk to you right now.
please,just go away

Aug. 16th, 2009

my hero

there goes my hero,watch him as he goes...
there goes my hero,he's ordinary...


I want something extraordinary...undying,incomprehendable,and strong...
love so strong it feels like you wont live through it...love that could stop your heart from beating,but just as easily make it start beating again.
I want someone who couldnt see their life without me in it...
I want something that seemingly,doesnt exist.

it saddens me.
I dont very much like being alone...

my head hurts too much to concentrate and i havent learnt anywhere near enough to pass the exam tomorrow.
i just dont want to think about it.
there is too much in my head all at once,it feels like im being crushed.
too much happening too fast...i havent had time to absorb anything,not really.
yet again iv let myself slip.
i dont know how to make things better,how to make myself not feel useless and worthless and lonely and scared.
i dont know how to be happy again.
the only time i feel happy is when im reading fiction...when i can delude myself with fantasies that will never,could never be reality...
then there is the times where i think about when i was happy...sometimes it spurs me on to try and fix things,gives me hope that it may happen again or maybe ill be forgiven...but most of the time it just hurts me to know that i was happy and i messed up,let it go.
i tried to put up a fight but clearly,i lost.
and how can you force someone to be unhappy with you when you both know they would be happier without you,they'd be happier if you didnt exist...
i sometimes wish i didnt.

there is hope?

actually starting to understand some stuff...
maybe there is hope?
still,i will have to actually understand more than just consideration by tomorrow morning...so maybe not...
ach

owwww

iv been stung.
it really hurts.
a metaphorical sting,obviously.
cba anymore

Aug. 15th, 2009

(no subject)

im so stressed i feel sick
im nowhere near prepared for these exams...
but even if i do pass,i still want to switch courses...
but what if there isnt any space on the eng course?
what then?
im so scared
and i miss him more than i dreamed,i never realised what a good listener he had been til he wasnt here to listen anymore...
i miss my friend.

Aug. 14th, 2009

helplessness


if you kill yourself,i've nothing left to live for.
Whats the point in living if I cant even say there is someone in this world that i love as something more than an obligation...?

 

I love my family and friends,of course I do,but once those bonds are set,there is no way to undo them,no way to release them.
With you,its different.
So how can I live in a world without you in it?
I dont think I could...
What kind of justice would mean the only person I ever truly cared for enough to sacrifice my morals,my ethic,my friends for...
it doesnt even bear thinking about.
You're more than an obligation.
I chose based on personality,looks,charisma...
it just grew and grew.
now it is like the bonds i share with friends and family...only at the same time,totally different.
I need you,not even with me,just to know you are out there,somewhere...
if you're not,then what is the point in my existence?
I dont think there is one.

Anyway.
exams.basically,im gonna fail.
do i care? at this precise moment in time,not likely.

too much to think about and too much distraction.
this isnt what i want from my life anyway.i sit and criticise the law everyday...i have no idea why i thought it would be good to study it...
maybe i hoped it would change my perspective?
again,not likely.
the sooner i escape the subject the better...

there are a lot of things i want to escape right now.
so back to my book,my non-law-related-book.
at least i can imagine im somewhere else and happy,even if the reality is somewhat of a contradiction to the fantasy i crave...
 

frustration

trying to switch courses seems like going round in courses...its so difficult to get hold of anyone these days!
stupid uni...

ach

not so much in a bad mood as being tired and in a bit of a weird mood...
it feels like the end of something,finally.
never actually expected it to happen,but it has.
im trying not to think about it as much as possible,avoidance at all costs seems like the easiest option.
dealing with things is too difficult right now,especially feelings.

Im starting to wish i lived in books...they're becoming my form of escapism again...
i long so much to be doing english literature.
i feel like im wasting my time with law,i have no passion,patience or desire to do it or continue with it...
hopefully it will all work out in my favour...

keep thinking of 'how to lose a guy in ten days'
no question,ben wuda walked out within 3days,had he not had his own motives tying him down...
so no wonder guys dont stick around,maybe its just too hard.

going out soon.
for a little while.
then back to the house

x

Aug. 12th, 2009

bleeehhhhh

feeling a bit low today.
funeral tomorrow,not looking forward to it,obviously...
wish abi was here
but so glad she is in ireland having fun at the same time.mmhmm...
im conflicted,as usual,with everything,
and i miss him
quite severely,i dont want him to be in pain.really dont...
just wanna hug it better,make it go away...
ergh gotta go buy black clothes,would you believe it?
i look like im going to a funeral most days but apparently i dont have the right funeral clothes
siighghhghg


________________________________________________________________________

There's an image behind my eyes,
seeped into my brain...
my heart,my soul,
it cant contain
the strength of my feelings,
its hard to breathe...
need to breathe...
but how can i,without you?

woah blast from the past =]


holy moo i forgot all about this haha
msn space tells me all the things i forget...or repress =/
siiggghhhh
proper little emo ^^

http://suzanne-hall.piczo.com/?g=7753968&cr=1

Scissors cut.
Slash,Slash...
I want to feel.
Skin to blade,skin to blade.
Adrenalin cuts through my veins as metal soothes my skin.
I feel no pain.
Crimson liquid pours.
Not from me,I'm empty...
Crimson,like the colour of a rose,beautiful...
deceiving.
My only act of salvation.
Hold me now,
Never look back.
I'm sorry if i hurt you.
That's not my intention.
I never want you to feel crimson regret.
Save me...
Save me please...
I'll try and save you too.
Just know in your heart,
I'll love you forever,
Cherish you always...
And never let go.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sunkissed.
She wakes to the sound of summer.
Birds sing their treasured love song on the window pane.
There are always two of them...
So in love...
Saddenned,and alone,
She drifts into an unbreakable sleep.
Only,this isnt like the fairytale...
No Prince Charming comes to save her....
Poor Sleeping Beauty,
Eternally lonely...
The only company she keeps,
Are the pieces of her broken heart...

old poetry from my other blog...i was a tortured soul...was...=/


Love

If love were a star,
You would be the Sun.
If love were an angel,
Youd be the only one.
If love were a drug,
Youd be an analgesic...
Simply because you take away my pain just by existing.
You are my Sun,
My Moon,
My stars,
And the only drug i will ever need.
The strongest addiction comes from the heart...
And deep in my heart is you.

 
______________________________________________________________________________________________________


 
Pain

Words spoken...
Hearts broken...
Eyes masked over with a barrier of fear.
Physical pain along with emotion...
Fate tries,
Destiny dies...
Is this what's in store for your life ahead?
The small cocoon you used to call home,
You thought you were safe there,never alone...
But what now haunts that once happy place...
A tortured soul,fallen from grace.
If only you knew what was to come,
If only you knew before it begun...
Theres no hiding from this anymore...
Freedom seemed easy,
But terror finds a way straight to your door...

 
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________


 
...


I said i wanted someone,
When really i want you,
But that's really too late now,
Cos youd never be true
to the feelings,yeah,that you said you had...
You threw them away and they made you feel bad.
I want an escape,a beautiful release...
an escape from the torture but most of all peace
Of mind,body and soul,
I gave them to you but that's not it all.
I loved you in spite of your hatred for me,
Deep in my mind I knew we couldnt be...
But theres always this feeling holding me back...
It takes hold of my senses and makes me lose track
Of where my lifes going and who with and why...
It makes me feel lonely and once made me cry.
I promised myself no more pain,
No more suffering,never again...
But that's too hard and you dont have a clue...
It takes all my strength to pull me through
The hurt and anguish i felt inside
just wont go away,it refuses to hide.
One thing ive learnt besides how to grieve
is to never again wear my heart on my sleeve...

 

 

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